I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
