I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
