I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.