You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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