: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Duck Duck Cougar?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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