I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
