We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
