I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
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Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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