Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.