So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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