Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
