The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
