brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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