I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
