We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
