Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags