I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much