you turned your livingroom into a bong?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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