you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
