I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
