if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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