dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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