She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
