Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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