how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
