im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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