Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
