Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
