That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
