Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
