I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
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Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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