when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
