R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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