The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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