Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We named our party play list daddy issues
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
