i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
