My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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