Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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