smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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