P.S. I can't hear my feet
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Found the puke drawer
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
