Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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