She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
