i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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