Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we're making bets on your personal life
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
