someone threw a dead crab at me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
