Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
