My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Randomize
