I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it's like iHOP with fire
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize