Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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