a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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