not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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