Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
