I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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