so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
